50 Lessons in 50 Years: Lesson Three
This year I am turning 50! I am not sure what it is, but this birthday has made me more reflective than most. It has caused me to not only look forward but to look back at all that has occurred in my 50 years of life. This year I thought I would spend the year by sharing with you 50 lessons I have learned in my 50 years. I hope this will be a beneficial experience for both of us. These will be listed in no particular order. My method will be to share what is on my heart and to be authentically transparent.
Ann Madison
As I continue to reflect on my first 50 years of life, one truth that continues to resonate with me is about my feelings. One statement that I often say is “Feelings are not facts”. I spent quite a few years living in a space that allowed my feelings to dictate my existence. What I mean by this is that when I felt a strong emotion- I made that emotion a fact about my reality. I would in essence sit with the feeling and own it. The feelings would dictate my existence and how I responded to so many things in my life.
As I continued to grow and heal I started to understand my emotions and feelings. I was able to take a step back and process my feelings. While in the spare of processing, I was able to take a deeper dive into my feelings. I would spend time trying to understand the root of what I was feeling. Instead of focusing on the immediate response or feeling I would take time to dig deeper and ask myself good questions. Some of the questions were –Why I am feeling this way? Do I remember the first time I felt this feeling? Is this feeling tied to a major or triggering event? Does this feeling remind me of another time or place in my life? –All of these questions and more allowed me to really understand why I was having the feeling.
During this process of asking good questions and taking time to reflect on my thoughts what I understood about feelings began to shift. As I learned how my feelings had roots tied to deeper emotions or pain, it helped me to understand and see that my feelings needed a space to process them. As I learned how to think deeply about my feelings I was able to identify their roots. Coming to the realization about my feelings are not facts was quite the shift for me. I had spent decades listening to my feelings and allowing them to lead me.
My feelings were not to be ignored. Which is initially what I thought when I learned that they were not facts. I wanted to ignore them, but this was not beneficial either. What I ultimately learned is that, in fact, my feelings were often an indicator of something I needed to work on or process more deeply. As I have learned to take each and every thought captive- not allowing my thought or feeling to lead me. Instead, I take control and ask good questions. I lead the conversations not my feelings. Since my feelings are not facts, they must go through a process of proving what is factual and what is not.
Just because something or someone “makes” me feel a certain way does not make it true. For example, someone may do something to make you feel “invisible” by not inviting you to a function, but this is not necessarily true. They may just have had other plans or something came up. We do not know why you were not invited until we ask or learn more information. But the important question to ask, is “Why is feeling invisible so hurtful to you?” Or “What caused you to feel invisible?”- ” Do you remember other times you felt invisible?” All of these questions and more can help us understand the deeper why.
As I began to put this into practice, my feelings no longer had the control over me they once had. It has not been a quick process or a simple one. It has been one that is totally worth it. Learning about my feelings has changed me in so many ways. I am no longer captive to my thoughts/feelings. Instead I am learning to take each and every thought captive. As I continued to practice this I was truly learning that my feelings are not facts. They instead are indicators.
