Seven Years

​As I was sitting at my desk this past week, I sat and looked at the sky. It had rained and stormed off and on a couple of days so it was very overcast. One day the clouds were trying to lift so the sun peeked through from time to time. Just when I could see the pretty blue color with the beauty of the sun, dark clouds would cover the scenery. I could see the jets that were just taking off from the airport and I envied them because once they reach altitude, they get to admire the shades of blue and puffy white clouds. I was left with the dark and gray overcast.

This scene reminded me of my grief journey. I have been walking this path for the past 7 years as of tomorrow. At first the journey for me was all cloudy, dark, and overcast. I didn’t see any blue at all; the sun couldn’t pierce through the thickness of my grief. As time passes, I’ve been able to see more of the beautiful blue sky. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days and times that storms move in. I have had storms that ended up staying longer than what they should have; and they come more times than what should be allowed. I can say with certainty that after they hit me from all sides with gale force winds, torrential rain fall, and pain that takes my breath away; I am still standing.

By the Grace of God, I am still standing.

Kirk was my best friend. We met at a little market where I worked in 1987. We started dating in January 1988. I knew one day that we would marry, but we did go through some hard times before we finally married June 1993. We had a couple of small break ups, but one lasted over 4 months. Those four months were heart breaking. I felt so lost and alone. We were suppose to be married in 1992, but instead I was mending my broken heart. We started talking again right around the time of our first planned wedding and we started dating again. In August 1992, we were re-engaged and were married that following June. I look back on that break up and feel that God was preparing me for this path. As hard as that break was for me, for him, this journey is a 1000x harder and now I have a daughter that is with me on this path.

It’s been seven years since I heard his voice in person. It’s been seven years since I seen his beautiful blue eyes. It’s been seven years since I heard his laugh, seen his tears. It’s been seven years since I heard the words “I love you” from him. It’s been seven years since I have shared my life with my best friend.

I know that one day we will be reunited in Heaven. I know that God has not left me or forsaken me. I know God loves me and wants what is best for me, for Emily, for all of us. I know Kirk is happy in his Heavenly home. I know that Kirk would want us to be happy and live our lives to the fullest. I know without God, I would be totally be alone and isolated.

Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV: “The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Joshua 1:5 NIV: “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave your nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

2 Samuel 22:29 NIV: “You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light.”

Psalm 63:8 NIV, “I cling to you; Your right hand upholds me.”

Isaiah 41:10 NIV: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

I have used some of these verses in past blog posts. They are incredible reminders of God’s love for me, for us. It’s easy to feel alone, isolated in your grief. The best thing you can do for yourself is reach out, seek help, seek others that are on the path ahead of you. Best of all, we have a benevolent God that loves us, He is a good Father, Wonderful Counselor. He is always a prayer away, a heart beat away.

As I have written in the past, Kirk’s headstone has the following verse engraved on it. Philippians 1:3 NIV: “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.” I thank God every day for bringing Kirk into my life in September 1987. I thank Him for Kirk striking up a conversation with me in November of the same year. And I thank Him for our first date in January 1988. I thank Him for our wonderful marriage and blessing us with Emily. And I thank Him for all the wonderful family and friends that have been with us through this season of our lives. Make no mistake, each and every one of you have played a vital role in our healing and recovery. I know we will never fully recover, but with God and His wonderful plan to put each of you in our lives, it makes the healing process a little easier to bear.

To Kirk: Until we meet again on that glorious day of our reunion, please know you will always be loved by all of us. You made us so happy. You were an incredible father and a wonderful husband and best friend. Until we meet again!! We love you so very much!!! ​​