This past Thursday I shared a little bit of my heart on my Instagram concerning my baby’s due date quickly approaching. The first time I had a miscarriage I thought, “Once the due date rolls around I’ll be doing better.” For some reason, I thought that by then I would have dealt with my emotions. However, the months went by and the pain didn’t really go away; the pain was as loud and intense as it had ever been. Here’s the thing: Grief comes in waves, therefore when that due date comes, so does a big wave of emotions and grief. If I am completely honest, there is no way to avoid it.
As I’ve shared before, I’ve had two miscarriages. Both of my angel baby’s, due dates, are just a couple months apart, so you can imagine that the grief sticks around for quite some time. Although over the years I’ve learned better ways to deal with it, it doesn’t mean that it won’t come. The desire to hold my babies in my arms is still very real every single day. I long for that, and I know that will never go away.
“Today we would have been 20 days away from meeting our baby. July has a lot of emotions tangled up in there — I know that this month we would have been able to hold our baby in our arms.
But here’s the thing that I’ve learned this year. God is with us through all of those emotions. Even in the hardest times, we’ve learned to rejoice. When times our joyful we have been able to enjoy our time and still smile and find joy in the mundane.
I’ve spoken a lot about miscarriages, and one of the reasons why is because until you haven’t experienced the pain, you don’t know what it’s like. Miscarriage isn’t just something that disappears after you have one, it’s something that stays with you for the rest of your life. You count every due date, every birthday, every heartbeat.
Today, I’m grateful for everything this baby taught me. You taught me to love and cherish my days even more. July 21st should have been one of the happiest days of our lives, and now it’ll look a little different. We rejoice that our baby is dwelling in the presence of God, and we long for the day we’ll get to hold you. I’m grateful for the memories I hold and for the love, I was able to experience through my angel baby.”
I really want to encourage all those mommas out there that are currently experiencing this grief. Whether your angel baby’s due date is soon or still a few months away, I want to tell you that I’m here for you. When you first get pregnant, the first thing you typically calculate is the due date because it is supposed to be the day your life changes; the happiest day of your life. But what I’ve learned is that the day my life actually changed was when I saw those two little pink lines. Why you might ask? Because this is the day I gave my all to this baby, I waited patiently for that due date, and when it didn’t happen, my life had already changed. The pain that we have to endure as mothers is heartbreaking. Please, know that you are not alone.
I patiently wait for the day I will get to hold my babies, however, I am so grateful to have the hope of knowing they are with there Savior. There are many things I’ve learned throughout these last few years, and one thing has been that if God is taking care of me, how would He not do the same for my babies? Remember that this day can be full of sorrow, but also know that God will one day wipe those tears away. I won’t get to meet my babies on this side of eternity, but man I cannot wait to meet them in the presence of God.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalms 23:1-4, 6 ESV